Oh, the Horizon...

Two of the mommies who were in my graduating class of mommyhood -- that is, who all had their first babies around the same time -- are now pregnant with their second kids. I'm happy for them, in that crazy-lady ridiculous happy way I get happy these days when I find out someone I know is pregnant. I love it. One of my favorite people from high school just announced she is pregnant with her first. It's like a cult. Once you're in, you want everyone else in too.

But, I admit to a twinge of jealousy. There were things I thought I'd have done by now that still haven't materialized, and certain parts of my life still feel like I'm on hold. I've had the bug for a second baby myself for a while now. But, I also know that I'd be happier waiting for a while, so that I can have my wedding and honeymoon and then have another baby.

But the wedding is postponed indefinitely, until there is less debt and more money.

Which means that baby #2 is just somewhere out there on the distant horizon, as well.

I hate that someone else's good news makes me slip into a funk of depression. Like, what kind of horrible friend am I? Slash, horrible person, that I can't just be happy for their good fortune without a) slipping into a funk of depression, or b) making it all about me?

Chicks

When I was younger, say, in my earlier twenties, I spent a lot of time being jealous of other women. Even after I lost a bunch of weight, I often didn't feel very confident in my size, and it was difficult for me to interact with "skinny chicks" without hating on them in my head. As if being thinner than me was something they were doing on purpose to be bitches.

Miss Kitten DiVyne

But we all know something like that feeling, right? Hating those biatches who seem to be so freakin' perfect and have it all together, while we feel like hot messes who could stand to lose a few pounds and who probably should have done something cuter with our hair that day.

Even while I was dancing in the burlesque troupe, performing routines in which I ended up in panties and pasties in front of a bar-full of people, I still didn't think I was as thin or in shape as I should have been. And I still spent a lot of time hating other women who I thought were or had what I wanted.

Of course, all this bad juju did was make me a more miserable person than I needed to be, and it didn't change any of the things I didn't like about myself. And after gaining 60 pounds while pregnant, and starting the work of losing it again, I saw myself differently in the pictures from those pre-baby years. I realized, frankly, that I was a hot piece, and that all that energy I'd spent on wanting to be someone else was wasted, because I was that girl, in great shape and cute and dressed up.

On top of that, now that I spend most of my free time with baby and Mister and family, it's so much more important to me to spend the quality time with my girls that I took for granted before. And, along with that, to actually have those quality female relationships that I disdained before, because I was so wrapped up in being jealous of other women.

When I got past my own petty issues, and realized, after experiencing a bit more life, that everyone has similar issues no matter how perfect their life might look on the outside, I saw how many great friendships I'd been missing out on, and what great bonding time I could have been having.

here's a bunch of us gals at LJ's wedding. Loved her dress!

Now, rather than being jealous of my BFF LJ, who has a great career, a beautiful family, and a thriving blog, I am inspired by her. I let her success propel me to make big steps of my own, to get back to my own blogging and keep it active, to take steps to move my career forward in a way that fulfills me, to be as fabulous and happy as I want to be.

New Year, New Hot

Ah, weekends.

I spent this morning having coffee with a dear friend whom I haven't seen in a while, she's been busy planning her wedding (ee!), and so time has gotten away from us. It was nice to sit outside Starbucks, enjoy a coffee and the sunshine and just chat. Plus she got to have some quality face time with baby, who is, I must say, comedy gold at this age (9 months). I've missed having girl time, with mommy friends or otherwise, and even something as simple as walking to the local Starbucks felt glamorous on a Saturday morning. Since baby and I had been up since 7am, I had time to shower, put on something casual and easy but cute, and put on some easy make-up that made me feel super hot without being over done.

My current trick for doing quick makeup and looking put together without dousing my face in product, is to use foundation as a concealer only. I use Nuetrogena Clean Make-up, and dab a bit of it under my eyes, on any little blemishes that might have shown up, and usually a bit above the bridge of my nose between my eyebrows, where my skin tends to get a little red. Then I put on a cream blush, circled a bit on the apples of my cheeks and blend up to my temples. I lined my bottom lids with a thin line of black, and put on black mascara, and finished off with some clear lip gloss -- not too shiney or gooey -- and that was it. I felt fabulous, understated, totally put together and hot and it took me about 5 minutes while Violet was playing with measuring cups at my feet. The only annoying part was that, since I had slept in my contacts (shameshame) I had to wear my frames instead, so I couldn't top my look with my giant sunglasses. Bummer.

Violet and I walked to the coffee shop since it's only a block or two from the house. Gal pal and wedding-planning bestie L was already there. We sat out in the sun, since for some glorious reason it's still amazing outside in January. 

One of our favorite topics is getting in shape for our weddings (hers is in June, mine is in December). She's already lost a bunch of weight, (she did that HGC diet? I don't know about all that. I've had enough of pregnancy hormones, thanks) and is now looking to tone up, mostly from doing P90X. 

My weight loss efforts last year were a bit disappointing, I just couldn't seem to get the motivation up to get started and really keep on with anything, and I ended up feeling defeated. About a week ago, however, Shawn mentioned that, for New Years, we should go "total health nut." After defining with him that he meant things like no soda and junk food and working out, rather than like, meatless and wheat grass, I was all about it. He's always been better at eating healthy, and doing it together, a lifestyle as a couple, was a really exciting thought for me. 

So, come January 1, we stopped drinking soda, buying candy and junk food, and I've been working out every day. I've brought a gym bag to work, and go running on my lunch breaks, or walking on days that are for strength training. I've gone back to using MyFitnessPal, a super website for tracking food and exercise, and the support there is awesome. 

My goal is to reach 145lbs by this summer. I have smaller goals as well:

175lbs by April 2, the baby's first birthday

165lbs by May 2

155lbs by June 2

145lbs by July 7

The idea is to be back down to my fighting weight by this summer, so I can rock my bikini and try on wedding dresses, and also have enough of a buffer between Ultimate Goal Weight and Wedding that I have room for any slips that might crop up, etc. 

I'm very excited for this. Doing it as a couple makes it fun, and I've missed running. My first mini goal is to break the 180's by the end of January, and leave the 190's behind for good. 

Stay tuned...

Beautiful, Hateful Money

In the last ten years, I can’t remember ever feeling really secure about my finances. First, there were the college years, during which I was working a work study job for something like $500 a month, and I embodied the starving student to a T. Then I was out of school and working as a receptionist, paying my own bills for the first time and trying to figure out how to budget. And, seemingly just as I got to a place where I was making a decent salary and staying on top of bills with money leftover for fun, I shack up and get knocked up all within the same year, and I’m now juggling family finances on what should really only support a single gal.

As recently as two years ago, the whole being broke thing didn’t bother me as much. It’s almost glamorous, in your early and mid-twenties, to be living on the edge of one’s paycheck, finding creative ways to eat and entertain oneself, commiserating with other about who’s got less money. It's the whole single person lifestyle, you're having fun and being reckless and hooray!

But with a baby and a fiancé, now being broke just kind of sucks.

My priorities have changed. I’m not looking to live in cheap apartments for the rest of my life, or even the near future. I want a nice home for me and my family, a car that was manufactured in this century, the ability to take family trips and money in the bank in case of emergencies. I want to put money away for the baby’s education, and lay a financial foundation for her future.

Oh, and a wedding. Did I mention wanting to have a wedding at some point in, oh, the next year?

And on top of that, I’m just getting sick and tired of feeling like crap because I have no money. I’d like, for once, to read a magazine and not have to fantasize about buying a $25 tube of lipstick. I would like to feel as though it’s not a complete pipe dream to buy a new Coach bag, provided I’ve salivated over it for long enough to make the purchase justifiable. I’d like to bargain hunt because I want to, not because I have to.

I’d like to feel like a grown-up who can afford nice things, basically.

Step one is to get myself back to square one. I’ve started using Mint.com, a very nifty budgeting website, to help me keep my spending in check and put money towards the things that need to be paid down. I’ve canceled my gym membership in favor of the beach trail outside my house and the many dvds I own. I’m looking at cutting a lot of things, actually, memberships I don’t use or items I don’t really need to buy.

I’ve never been super great at sticking to a budget. I’m hoping that Mint, with all its lovely graphics and alerts and colorful tools, will crack the digital whip and keep me honest. 

What tricks do you mamas use to manage your family finances? I will gladly and shamelessly steal all your ideas!