We've Gone Public!

(originally posted on Blogging For Two on July 7, 2014)

With all the exciting things that have been happening with the realization that Baby #2 is on the way to our household, I'd forgotten all about the blog I wrote while I was pregnant with Baby #1 (now known as Miss Violet Jane).

It wasn't until SIL reminded me about it that I decided to jump into it again, especially now that we've made it known to everyone outside the family (Facebook Declared!). 

Here are the important statics so far:

Due date: Jan 9

Currently: 13wks

Gender: still officially unknown

Unofficially, however, there seems to be a good chance that this baby is a boy. We had an ultrasound last week as part of routine genetic screening tests, and the ultrasound technician and I both noticed at the same time that there was very obviously something sticking up from between the legs that was not the cord, or an arm, or a leg. It's early to be able to see that at what was 12.5 weeks, so we're not calling it yet, but the indications are strong.

When I got home that day, I thought, oh nice, this means I can get rid of all the girly stuff that I've been hanging on to just in case. And then I immediately got sad about it. Sort of a big deal to part with all my first baby's baby stuff. I may have to hang onto a few things that I like the best.

Looks like it's going to be another baby season, too, as at least two of my besties are also expecting, all within a month or two of each other. I cannot reveal their names at this time, but one of them is Leti, (hehe, she's already told everyone) who was a bridesmaid in my wedding, and thought she could fool all the other gals (who were already moms at least once) when she was bursting into tears for no reason and complaining about having itchy boobs. Everyone's first response was, are you pregnant? Psh. Like you can hide that from Mama's eagle eyes.

So far things are going well. Less morning sickness this time which is saving my life, and the nausea is already starting to fade.

Here's the official weekly update from BabyCenter, with a handy illustration.

Fingerprints have formed on your baby's tiny fingertips, her veins and organs are clearly visible through her still-thin skin, and her body is starting to catch up with her head -- which makes up just a third of her body size now. If you're having a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries. Your baby is almost 3 inches long (about the size of a pea pod) and weighs nearly an ounce. As you start your second trimester, most of your baby's critical development will be completed and your odds of miscarriage drop considerably.

Something Different

So...I was reading back through last month's workout magazine, in which there was an interview with mommy and all around super lady Rebecca Romijn. Here's a woman who carried and birthed and is subsequently raising twins (who are adorable, btw), and looks like a slice of fantastic in a swimsuit. The article was nice, too, pointing out that she has to workout lots and watch what she eats in order to get that shape back after kids, and maintain it now. She also mentioned the mommy's guilt at leaving house and home to actually get those workouts in, which is definitely relatable. But the one thing that really stuck out for me was when she talked about how, after having her kids, the diet and the forms of exercise that she used to swear by were no longer working for her, that she had to change everything up and do things she'd never tried before in order to get those 60 lbs of baby weight to go away and stay away.

Since bringing Miss Violet into the world, I have been telling myself that losing this weight should be a snap. After all, I've lost a bunch of weight before, I know what things to do and so forth to lose it again. In practice, however, those old habits weren't working for me this time around, and every time I tried to tell myself to just go back there, I would get frustrated and down on myself because it wasn't working. Why couldn't I "just" do what I used to do, why wasn't I strong enough (metaphorically) to just slip right back into that old routine, etc.?

Reading the lovely Rebecca's interview, it dawned on me -- um, nothing is the same as it was before having a baby. So what makes me think that my old tricks and routines would work the same, either? You know how I lost weight after college? After work, I went straight to the gym for anywhere from 60-90 minutes, 4-5 days a week. I didn't even have a cat at this point, it was just me. I bought bags of ceaser salad and ate them for dinner, because I was only feeding myself. I was also getting more and better rest each night, since I could sleep without interruption from the time I laid down until the time my alarm clock went off. I had more time, energy, and well, time, to dedicate to being in the gym and reading fitness mags and being in the zone.

Now, I'm lucky if I get 6 uninterrupted hours of sleep a night. I have to concern myself with making sure the Mister has something tasty and filling enough for his dinner. When I get off work, I know that both Shawn and the baby are waiting for me at home to take over child care duties, give dinner, bath, books and bed; on top of working on my writing, keeping up with housework, reading if I have a chance, etc. So the time to dedicate to working out and exercising must be carefully carved out of each day, looked for and stolen whenever it presents itself. Which means I have to think about it more than I used to -- most days, I can't just head to the gym on autopilot after work, I have to think about my schedule the night before, plan out how and when I'm going to fit in a workout the next day so that I can pack the appropriate bag to take with me, or know that I'm going to do a dvd when I get home so there's no need to bring anything to work.

And while there's good in that, it also makes it more difficult to get the momentum of a routine going -- if everyday is different, it's easier to find a sudden excuse not to workout that day, or not to eat healthfully. And in the beginning stages of a weight loss effort, it's especially easy to be derailed. And what was keeping me the most stuck was the constant inner questioning of why I just couldn't knuckle under and get back to my old routines. As I hope we're all aware, berating ourselves is no way to build positive mojo.

So, recognizing that things are of course different now has relieved that pressure from me, and has reminded me that, as long as I'm doing something just about every day, I'm moving closer to my goals. I made a little mini goal for the next two weeks to use a piece of fitness equipment every day. So if I'm too tired or busy to hit the gym on a given day, I can pick up the hand weights I have at home and do some bicep curls in the evenings.

It's not about going back to the person I used to be, it's about moving forward into the person I will become, a new me, moving into my (jesus) thirties soon, not the twenty-something I was when I first lost weight, but now a busy, strong, determined woman with a fiance and a baby and a lot of stuff on my plate, who will find new ways of being the hot and fabulous chick on the outside that I have always been on the inside.

New Year, New Hot

Ah, weekends.

I spent this morning having coffee with a dear friend whom I haven't seen in a while, she's been busy planning her wedding (ee!), and so time has gotten away from us. It was nice to sit outside Starbucks, enjoy a coffee and the sunshine and just chat. Plus she got to have some quality face time with baby, who is, I must say, comedy gold at this age (9 months). I've missed having girl time, with mommy friends or otherwise, and even something as simple as walking to the local Starbucks felt glamorous on a Saturday morning. Since baby and I had been up since 7am, I had time to shower, put on something casual and easy but cute, and put on some easy make-up that made me feel super hot without being over done.

My current trick for doing quick makeup and looking put together without dousing my face in product, is to use foundation as a concealer only. I use Nuetrogena Clean Make-up, and dab a bit of it under my eyes, on any little blemishes that might have shown up, and usually a bit above the bridge of my nose between my eyebrows, where my skin tends to get a little red. Then I put on a cream blush, circled a bit on the apples of my cheeks and blend up to my temples. I lined my bottom lids with a thin line of black, and put on black mascara, and finished off with some clear lip gloss -- not too shiney or gooey -- and that was it. I felt fabulous, understated, totally put together and hot and it took me about 5 minutes while Violet was playing with measuring cups at my feet. The only annoying part was that, since I had slept in my contacts (shameshame) I had to wear my frames instead, so I couldn't top my look with my giant sunglasses. Bummer.

Violet and I walked to the coffee shop since it's only a block or two from the house. Gal pal and wedding-planning bestie L was already there. We sat out in the sun, since for some glorious reason it's still amazing outside in January. 

One of our favorite topics is getting in shape for our weddings (hers is in June, mine is in December). She's already lost a bunch of weight, (she did that HGC diet? I don't know about all that. I've had enough of pregnancy hormones, thanks) and is now looking to tone up, mostly from doing P90X. 

My weight loss efforts last year were a bit disappointing, I just couldn't seem to get the motivation up to get started and really keep on with anything, and I ended up feeling defeated. About a week ago, however, Shawn mentioned that, for New Years, we should go "total health nut." After defining with him that he meant things like no soda and junk food and working out, rather than like, meatless and wheat grass, I was all about it. He's always been better at eating healthy, and doing it together, a lifestyle as a couple, was a really exciting thought for me. 

So, come January 1, we stopped drinking soda, buying candy and junk food, and I've been working out every day. I've brought a gym bag to work, and go running on my lunch breaks, or walking on days that are for strength training. I've gone back to using MyFitnessPal, a super website for tracking food and exercise, and the support there is awesome. 

My goal is to reach 145lbs by this summer. I have smaller goals as well:

175lbs by April 2, the baby's first birthday

165lbs by May 2

155lbs by June 2

145lbs by July 7

The idea is to be back down to my fighting weight by this summer, so I can rock my bikini and try on wedding dresses, and also have enough of a buffer between Ultimate Goal Weight and Wedding that I have room for any slips that might crop up, etc. 

I'm very excited for this. Doing it as a couple makes it fun, and I've missed running. My first mini goal is to break the 180's by the end of January, and leave the 190's behind for good. 

Stay tuned...

A Moment of Un-Hotness, or What Facebook Taught Me

Girls, I don't feel very hot right now. It happens. We all have our moments. Our un-hot moments. I'm confident that the hotness will come back sometime soon, probably around about the time I'm halfway through tomorrow morning's tall nonfat pumpkin spice latte (yum!), but right now, not so much. And you should know that I've just completed a 30 minute cardio toning workout dvd.

That workout was hard. Way harder than I expected it to be. This is a dvd that I've done dozens of times before, and for some reason tonight I was just dragging myself through it, and getting frustrated because my balance sucked and my muscles were shaking. Yes, there are no doubt several contributing factors -- lack of sleep, lack of water, etc. But they still all added up to me feeling completely off my game and, since this revolved around exercise, like a giant, lard-ass, I can't hack it through a dvd that used to be easy, un-hot mama.

Poo.

I took a shower and decided I would turn in early tonight so that I would have more energy tomorrow. And while in the shower, something a good friend of mine said came back to me. To paraphrase -- keep pursuing your dreams, even when you don't want to.

Actually, she posted it on Facebook. And it came to my rescue. Because it's one of the smartest things I've heard lately. Sometimes, even things we want really badly -- losing baby weight, publishing novels, getting out of debt, becoming wildly famous for whatever particular talent you're secretly harboring -- can start to seem like chores, like one more thing that needs a chunk of time carved out of our crazy busy days. So even though it sounds counter intuitive, sometimes you really do have to force yourself to keep on pursuing that one thing that you want, deep down, in the oubliette of your soul (Labyrinth reference? Yes.) To get up off the couch and get to dance class, or go for a run, or keep plugging away at that novel. Whatever it is. Don't let your goals get pushed aside.

So even when I feel like a hippo who will never fit into my size 10 super hot dark wash skinny jeans again, I will go to bed early to get up and do it all over again tomorrow, because Facebook told me too.

Me and said smarty-pants Facebooking friend at Disneyland, being our fabulous selves.

Skinny Jeans are the New Mom Jeans

So, the big dilemma – how fast can you lose your baby weight and get back into your skinny jeans after having that baby? I don’t know about you, but I was regaled with stories of easy weight loss right after giving birth – one friend said she lost 20 pounds within the first week – and during the months of breastfeeding – I’ve been assured I will thinner than I was before, and that all I have to do is walk every day and breastfeed. 

Uh-huh. That’s working.

Let’s start by giving you a few basic stats on me:

Height: 5’9”

Pre-Pregnancy Weight: 162

Pre-Pregnancy BMI: 23.9, well within the normal range

Pre-pregnancy Jeans Size: 10

Picks from my pre-pregnancy burlesque-dancing days:

Post-Pregnancy Weight: 216 – this is the last weight I clocked at the doctor’s office before going into labor.

After Baby Weight: 209  -- went home with this

Current Weight: 205

Recent pic of me and the little girl:

So, if you’re keeping score, I gained 54 pounds while I was pregnant, actually lost 15 of them altogether, but then put another 5 back on because I was still eating like I was pregnant. Before getting knocked up, I had been working on those eternal last 10 pounds, because my goal weight was 145. Which now gives me a grand total of 50lbs to lose to get me to that goal weight now, by my goal date of Christmas 2011.

It’s ambitious.

Oh, did I mention I’m also getting married next summer? So the added pressure of soon needed to try on wedding dresses is also looming.

Back to all that false advice – breastfeeding did not make me lose miracle amounts of weight. In fact, because I am burning that extra 500 calories or so a day, I am freakin’ starving all the time, and I already have a tendency to snack mindlessly, so this is a bad thing. Nor, in the beginning, did I want to or have time to go for regular walks or get any kind of regular exercise, especially during the three months of my maternity leave when the baby was awake and asleep whenever she pleased, my sleeping was erratic at best, and I was sore in all my lower regions and just wanted to relax. I think I made it to the gym once or twice, when she had a long nap. That was it.

So I went back to work feeling like a ginormous fat cow still having to schlep around in maternity clothes and wistfully eyeballing the bag of ridiculously cute dark wash skinny jeans and cute tees that had fit me once upon a time. I am very close to having nothing to wear to work. I have plenty of forgiving sundresses and nursing tank tops that I can wear around the house on weekends, but none of my old, more work-appropriate pencil skirts and trousers will fit over my fabulous thighs (might as well call them fabulous, right?) It’s a good thing I work in an office with a casual dress code, because all I’ve got are one pair of maternity jeans and lots of cute maternity tops. It’s a bitch that I was at my most house-like during the winter months, because black corduroys and dark, long-sleeved dresses are not summer attire.

Of course, friends assure me that I look wonderful, and if I’m honest and pull myself out of my guilty-pleasure of a pity party, I suppose I don’t look as bad as my melodrama would have me think. But the point is, I don’t look the way I know I could, nor do I feel the way I was used to feeling – powerful, confident, stylish, in control. I am back in my old insecure skin, before I became a gym rat and lost all the weight in the first place. I want to hide inside and not have to go out because I hate the way I look. I don’t feel like myself, I feel like some other person with an extra 50lbs on her frame. I’m tired of it. I want to be me again.

So, enough is enough. This blog is about a lot of things, and skinny jeans is one of them. So, you are all my accountability partners. And I will be yours, if you’re willing. What better way to get moving on the weight loss than having a horde of strangers judging me on it? Judgment is such a good motivator!

My goals are to get down to a size 8, and to a weight of 145lbs. What are your goals? Come along with me! Let’s do this together! Let’s make skinny jeans the new mom jeans!